first musings

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3-4

The seeds of this blog were sown one day when Matt asked for advice on undergraduate courses, as well as career choices.  It suddenly made me think about the few precious conversations I had with my own father that I could recall, but which had become more hazy over time.  Memories are so fragile and especially precious, when there are so few to hold on to.  What would my sons recall of me when I am gone?  And it dawned on me that I could capture those memories (and my thoughts) in writing.

Still the blog didn't really get going ( an idea for one post does not make a blog after all) until I had a conversation with Ethan on what his class covered during their Youth Ministry meeting and I found the discussion really useful for myself because of the insights and revelations I got out of them.  And so I sort of found a theme for this blog.  It will be a record of sorts of my walk with God, and how I can use what I have learned there, in my conversations with my boys.

I started writing but I was not really making good progress until one of my coach training modules in April, when I shared that I longed for a better connection with my kids through the blog.  Well, one of the wonders of coaching is that it can remove excuses for inaction we hide behind - and so I declared to the whole class that I would get this off the ground by 1st May, a month away.  And here we are today, a couple of days late but at least it's out there and we are still in May. Barely.  Nothing like deadlines eh?  So a big shout out to my coaching classmates - you helped to make this a reality.

That was not the only contribution that my coaching training has made to this blog.  In an earlier module on Fulfillment, I had discovered my life purpose and declared it to the class.

"I am a light through which others may see the love of Jesus". 

It was an incredibly personal and moving moment for me. I recall struggling at the time with whether I should just trust God and go with this, or tone it down and say something a little 'safer'.  The mental debate went back and forth, my stomach felt weird, small beads of sweat formed on my forehead, and my heart felt like it was going to explode.  In the end, what clinched it for me was that this life purpose statement resonated so strongly that I had to share it.  And while it was an important first step, that was said to just a small group of people - this blog helps to make it that much more real.

So, career choices...

Matt said his army instructor had advised them not to join the police force because of his own negative experience in the police during his NS (National Service) days. Ok full disclosure here. I joined the police force after graduation so of course I'm slightly put off by that sentiment.  My late mother though, would have probably agreed with him.  She would ask me every now and then, was it so great being a police officer?  I think my glacial pace of progression did not impress her.

It wasn't like I had always wanted to be a cop though.  I had no real career aspirations in my youth, except for maybe wanting to be a fireman at one time after reading a book, "Report from Engine Co. 82", written by Dennis Smith about his time with the New York Fire Department.  All I can recall is that it was a really gripping book, and the bravery and selflessness of the firefighters inspired me.  It definitely left an impression, even if it didn't quite make me join the fire service in the end.  Maybe I would have if the police had turned me down.

All I knew in childhood was that I had to go to university.  It was my parents' dream and it became mine.  I had no clue what I would do after that.  Just about managed to make it to university (I peaked early, in primary school), and chose to study business because it had the lightest schedule! Hey if I didn't know what career to pursue, I wasn't about to slog through a program I might have no use for later.  I was nothing if not pragmatic.

Upon graduation, I was no closer to deciding on a career.  Clearly even with a business degree, the importance of forward planning had made very little impression on me.   But something had changed.  My pragmatism had given way to something else.  Maybe I had been pragmatic earlier because my goal was to simply get a degree, and now that it was done, one thing was very clear in my mind.  I didn't want a desk job, and I was now certain that I didn't want to work hard just making money for other people.  Youthful naivete certainly was a factor, and the realities of finding a job in the middle of a recession had not hit home yet.

Finally I decided that I wanted to be a cop.  Maybe the only Hong Kong serial I had ever followed at the time had a major influence on me.  So that would make Tony Leung Chiu Wai (who was the lead actor in Police Cadet 新紮師兄)  the main reason why I became a police officer.  It checked all the boxes.  It sounded exciting, wasn't desk bound, and I would be doing good by putting bad guys away.  (It didn't turn out to be as exciting as I thought it would be, but that's a good thing right?)

I applied for the job, and when I didn't hear anything for a few months, I decided that I couldn't just sit around and wait.  Though I hardly sat around much since I kept up with my triathlon training - it is probably the only time in my life I felt like a professional athlete, and I can appreciate what a tough life it is.  I applied for many different jobs but I hardly got any replies.

I did get a reply from The Straits Times though and sat for the written test which I cleared and got an interview.  I had applied mainly because my good friend Marc was working there as a sports journalist and it sounded like a cool job.  I think I said that during the interview. Did I mention I was naïve?  In my defence, it was my first ever job interview.  Needless to say, my obvious lack of preparation and conviction about why I wanted to be a journalist was horribly exposed during the interview.  No, I did not get the job - in case you were wondering. It was a good wake-up call though and the experience taught me a lot.  Sometimes you learn more from bad experiences than good ones.

Fortunately, the Public Service Division thought I had some redeeming qualities (maybe my mug shot was intimidating enough) and I finally got an interview at City Hall for the post of probationary inspector of police.

The lessons from my Straits Times interview fiasco had been well learnt.  There was no way I was going to be unprepared this time.  I went to the NUS library and got my hands on the most recent issues of Police Life magazine and boned up on what was going on in the police force then. Neighbourhood Police Posts were all the rage then - that tells you how long ago this was.  The interview went fairly well and though I was nervous (quite natural when faced with a large panel of what I recall were at least 6 or 7 interviewers),  I just felt like nothing would really faze me.

But one question stuck in my mind.  Someone on the panel asked me towards the end of the interview, if I would accept an appointment as a labour officer instead and my immediate reaction was that I didn't mind as long as I was helping people.  I can't recall if I had said something similar earlier in the interview or if it was just simply something from my heart.  Maybe it was a bit of both but I recall that I answered almost instantly and spontaneously.  In any case, my answer was irrelevant because I got appointed as a police officer but I recall that moment quite clearly, as though something had been crystallised in my mind by the question.  Maybe for the first time in my life, I had clarity about my life purpose.

I like to think that since then, I have lived up to that purpose, and to the verse at the beginning of this post.  The first time I read it, it resonated with me - not because I am immune to the dangers of ambition or vanity.  No one really is, I think.  It is a very good reminder to me that no matter what good I believe I am doing in service of others, it must be done with the right attitude and motive.  I think the following verse is a good accompaniment because it reminds us to give our best in every situation.

“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might” 
Ecclesiastes 9:10