Groaning and longing

2 Corinthians 5:1-10

"For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. For we live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."

This passage really resonated with me while doing the BRD earlier this week.

It has been a difficult period after the euphoria of going home, Gabe's wedding and Matt's commencement wore off. August is traditionally a slow month here because many people are off on their summer holidays and I felt a bit out of sorts. I have always believed in the power of doing meaningful work, of feeling productive and knowing that what I do matters. I won't belabour the point but it can be a vicious spiral when you are not sure if your efforts are making a difference, and it then becomes a struggle to muster the motivation to keep pushing on. But strangely, during this period I got some feedback that wasn't that positive and it helped. It helped because at least I know what people consider important and while it got me down briefly, that soon passed.

In fact I told my ex-boss that bad feedback was better than no feedback and he laughed out loud. It is funny but true. Most of my career I have not received useful feedback. At best I got perfunctory reassurances that I was doing well, and for a while I suppose it was true - otherwise I would not have gotten as far as I did, though I have seen enough baffling examples suggesting that it's who you know, rather than what you do, that matters.

This is not to say I advocate that approach. Indeed I have spent my life trying my best to be professional in my work, and not by 'managing upwards'. I would like people to think that I got where I am because I earned it and not because of who I buttered up. And also because I am more introverted, I choose who I spend my time with more carefully and this has probably led to an impression that I don't engage well with people. Indeed I heard a comment that I am not really suited for this job, and I can understand why.

But I also think that all jobs involves roles that you have to learn, and I think I have managed that well enough. I have worked all my life mostly trying to figure out how to do the job better, rather than what's best for me or my career. And this is rather a bit of a long-winded way of getting to the point in the passage above. The key message I am focusing on is verse 9 "So we make it our goal to please Him." If we focus not on ourselves, but on pleasing Him, we will never go wrong. It is also my belief that if we do this right, even mistakes that we make will be forgiven because we made them in good faith, that it was a matter of judgement rather than integrity. And people can see that, and forgive such mistakes. More importantly, they continue to trust you, especially if you were honest about the mistake.

Another reason the passage resonated with me is that it captures the essence of my time here in London, away from all of you. Home is like heaven, and being with family is like going home to Jesus, our Father. Being away from our true home is difficult. Because we have to contend with our earthly burdens on our own, just as I struggle with the burdens of living and working here (as I have described above). Singapore is so much more efficient that we take it for granted, and only realise it when we have to deal with inefficiencies elsewhere. But that is a minor inconvenience, compared with missing out on the joys of family.

Still I have been blessed tremendously as I am not away for too long and each trip home is packed with wonderful memories. These memories is the fuel that keeps me going. And it is through the absences that I have greater clarity, have come to learn more, grown in faith more, more than I would have if I was just in Singapore. And in times like this, when I find myself missing home, I remind myself that it must be all part of His plan, how things fell into place and that the difficult times are part of the deal. I feel like Paul writing to the various churches, telling them how he longs to see them again.

God bless all of you.